When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
