I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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