Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
