last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can't put those talents on a resume
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it