she was so not down for the gang bang
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
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you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.