I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica