Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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