Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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