I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
