I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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