I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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