i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
