Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your shirt... Was in my pants
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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