I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
