That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You made out with two different species that night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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