i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
