woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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