i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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