She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
