this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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