when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
