Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
