That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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