my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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