why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The beer is more important than you right now.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
