Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
