if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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