So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
