She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When are your genitals available?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
