I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
