Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
