Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
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