hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
