My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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