I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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