My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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