Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
