Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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