I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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