Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
