The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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