Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
