One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
