hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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