I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
