I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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