Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
