So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
