I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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