my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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