I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
