Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
