turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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