dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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