her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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