I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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