True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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