mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
