Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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