I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
