I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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