Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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