i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
