when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
